Kid jokes
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
What is a show for kids?
Barney.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat the broccoli.
Kid: Licks money.
Mom: Hey, don’t lick the money. It is dirty.
Kid: Is that why they call people filthy rich?
Jack and his kids went to the lake, and his mother wants him to go swimming. You know what he says? "Back where you came from!"
Me when my friend talks about a teacher blasting off on a kid
What do you call an autistic kid who just saw Transformers? Autistimus Prime.
So I was looking through my pictures and I found a picture of a random kid that took a picture of his ugly face. It looked like someone that got hit by a car, then a bus, then a semi.
That’s what I get for not having a password on my iPad.
Kid in 2021: I'm goated at hide and seek.
Anne Frank: I am the hide and seek champion of the world.
Kid: Hey, Dad.
Dad: You're an hour late.
Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.
Dad: By yourself?
Kid: No.
Dad: A boy?
Kid: I was with the teacher.
Hey, Squidward, say "kid" backward. Also, suck my dick!
Kid at Wish: I wish I could be Batman.
Doctor: Okay, shoots mum and dad. Doctor: I guess now you’ll have to be gay, you wanted to be like Batman.
Why is there a middle school?
Because the kids that go there are middle class families.
Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.
Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!
Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.
How do Asians name their kids?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)
What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.
If I make a summer camp for kids with concentration problems, will it be a "Concentration Camp"?
Me: "I like kids."
There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.