Kid jokes
"Addison, are you one of those kids who are very, very, very, very smart? Because you sound like one."
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, I'm just a burden.
Kid 1: Do you know Candace?
Kid 2: Candace who?
Kid 1: Candace dick fit in your mouth!
Why do kids like bananas?
'Cause they like doing the nana.
Why is there a middle school?
Because the kids that go there are middle class families.
"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."
Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.
The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.
Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat the broccoli.
Kid: How much do you get paid?
Teacher: Minimum wage.
My name is Devonair.
When I get a haircut, it's always bald.
Kids make fun of me, they call me "dang-near bald head."
My name is Devonair *dev-on-near*
I always thought they were making fun of me because of my name pronounced near.
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank.
Because we couldn't afford a dog.
Kid: I want to be like Batman.
Genie: I can make arrangements. The kid comes home, both of his parents are dead.
Genie: I told you.
Kid: .............................................
Where do religious kids practice sports?
In the prayground.
You want to know how to spot a foster kid?
Them carrying their whole life in a Hefty trash bag.
I saw a Down syndrome kid waving at me today, but there's no way I'm swimming all the way over there to save him.
"Eugheugh," said the boy.
You'd think with Jason being a pastor's kid, his parents would have gotten him Invisalign.
And an exorcism.
Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.
That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:
Elmo: Welcome to the new micronation of Tickelandia.
Dude: Why are we close to Disneyland?
Kid: I don't know.
Elmo: Rule 1, you must not tell the forests or Bob Iger about us.
Meanwhile, Officer: Come on, Elmo, you're going to prison.
*Officer arrests Elmo*
Elmo: But who wants tickles?
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...