What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
What is a show for kids?
Barney.
What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?
I only stuff the turkey.
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."
What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?
You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.
You can make fun of adopted kids all you want. What are they going to do, tell their parents on you? Lol.
What's the difference between broccoli and a booger?
Kids won't eat broccoli.
Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?
Because she loves raisin kids.
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire
What is the name of a show for kids?
Barney.
Why do dead babies cry? Just kidding, they are dead.
Why do kids have school every day? So that they can learn.
What brings kids to school every day?
A school bus 🚌.
Why is Mrs. Grapes 🍇 a good mother?
Because she loves raisin' kids.
What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?
•Terminal
The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.
They say I’m sliced like the apples in a kids meal.
Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!
The Cheerio Joke
Let's say you're in high school, and your popularity level was based on what Cheerio you are. So there's Extra-Frosty Cheerios as the most popular kids, the frosted Cheerios were the popular kids, the Regular Cheerios as the typical normal kid, then there's the honey nut Cheerios as the nerds and geeks, and then there's your Cheerio which is the Chocolate Cheerios. Now you want to ask this girl who's an extra frosty, you go up to her and ask her to Homecoming, but she declines.
So after school gets out, you go home and rewind. The next day you wake up feeling like a honey nut Cheerio, so you go up to her again and ask her again, she still says no. So you go home and rewind again and wake up the next morning feeling like a Regular Cheerio. So you go to school and ask her again, she still declines. So you go home and rewind again. The next morning, you wake up feeling like a frosty Cheerio. So you go up to her and ask again, still says no. Then you go home and unwind. The next day you wake up feeling like an extra frosty Cheerio. Feeling doubtful, you go up to her one last time and ask her. She finally says yes.
The next day is Homecoming, and you and your date are on the dance floor, and she wants punch. So she tells you that she's going to go get punch. She goes and gets punch and is back in 30 seconds. You ask her why it was so fast. She replies with; "Oh there wasn't a punch line."
