My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.
Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
Why do hospitals have fans? To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
The inmates are yelling 12...12...12... in the courtyard. A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12...12...12... so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye. Moments later they start chanting 13...13...13...
Your mum is so stupid she tried to take the crown off a Keep Calm And Carry On poster so that she could become the new queen of England
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Where do cows keep their historical cultural artifacts? -- In the mooseum.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? -- To keep his ankles warm.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? - Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper? Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
