Keep jokes
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
They struggled to lift the weights, but I got watermelon to keep me in shape.
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"
Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."
Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?
He wanted to keep his nuts dry.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.
Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
The inmates are yelling 12...12...12... in the courtyard.
A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12...12...12... so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye.
Moment later they start chanting 13...13...13...
Your mum is so stupid, she tried to take the crown off a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster so that she could become the new queen of England.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.