Joke jokes

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

No, “to whom.”

I would roast you but burning trash is bad for the environment.

Q: What's the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A: Stoners have papers.

What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!

What does a skeleton put on his roof?

Shin-gulls.

This is not even a joke, it's a serious question... Is eating ass considered cannibalism?

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?

A Double Manhattan.

"what's that on your wrist?"

"I'm a cutting board. duh"

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.

Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

Oh, neither did he.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip-off.

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.

A: She looks good when she opens her hair. 😮

B: You will look good when you open your wallet. 👛

A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”