Joke jokes

"what's that on your wrist?"

"I'm a cutting board. duh"

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

Oh, neither did he.

Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.

If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Double whammy.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”

I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.

My life is a joke.

Want to hear a joke about prostitution? Never mind, it's whoreable.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

A: She looks good when she opens her hair. 😮

B: You will look good when you open your wallet. 👛

Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?

A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.

Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

When the school shooter misses you, but you gotta play it off.

😐😑

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.