Joke jokes

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

All these jokes are pen-ful to read.

Two nuts were chasing each other. One said to the other, "I'm-a cashew!"

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag? One is plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is a carrier bag.

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.

What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.

There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".

At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

What has more brains than the Columbine students? The wall behind them, xD.

A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."

Q: What has two wings and a halo?

A: An Asian phone call, "Wing, Wing, Halo?"

What's a paedophile's favorite footwear?

White Vans.

What do you call a frozen communist?

Hammer and popsicle.

What did one fish say to the other?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.

What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?

Anonymouse.

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

What do you call it when Hitler abuses his wife?

Adolf Hit Her.