Joke jokes

What's worse than 1000 dead babies hanging off a tree?

1 dead baby hanging off 1000 trees.

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

The suicide squad.

What do you tell a dead metal fan?

Rust in peace.

Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.

A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

What's white and can't climb a tree?

A refrigerator.

What is long and black? The line at Popeyes.

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

What's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

What's a cannibal's favorite dessert?

Lady fingers.

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

What's a skeleton's favorite food?

Spare ribs.

Sans: Zzzzzzzz.

Papyrus: SANS, WAKE UP!!

Sans: What is it, dude?

Papyrus: A human has fallen from the surface world!

Sans: And you gotta BONE to pick with 'em??

What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and a feminist? A suicide bomber actually does something when triggered.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"

Two blondes fell in a hole and one asked, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" and the other one says, "I don't know, I can't see."