Joke jokes

My fucking life, cya.

What do you call a decapitated politician?

A severed head of state.

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

What is worse than a baby getting hanged in a tree?

That same baby getting hanged in multiple trees.

What is the difference between a dwarf and a midget?

Very little.

You marry a single mother with an adult daughter. Now, your father marries the daughter. So, your father is your son now, because he is married to your daughter-in-law. But as your father's son and your father's father, you're your own grandpa!

What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?

Nemo was eventually found.

If an orphan takes a selfie, isn't it basically a family portrait?

"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"

"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

I have a pen, I have an Apple, um, Apple pen.

The Taliban had a plane, the US had a building boom, 9/11.

I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.

A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.

I just left him hanging.

What did the person say to the orphan?

"Where are your parents?"

Why did the cat cross the road?

To make a catastrophy on the road.

What is the difference between an emo kid and a cutting board?

When someone saw your hairline, they thought it was a Dorito logo.

I wanted to make a joke about homework, but sadly, I'm an orphan.

What do you call a kid in a wheelchair that you push in a fire? Hot Wheels.

Why do orphans have water with their cereal?

Because their dad never came home with the milk.

I asked, "Where are your parents?" and oh god, I love working at an orphanage.