Joke jokes

How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?

They boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a musician 👩‍🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?

A popsinger.

What do you call a sick eagle?

Ill-eagle! 😂

Why do cheetahs never get an A+ on a test? They always cheetah!

This man walks into a bar and says, "How do I get service here?"

The assistant bar attendant tells him to take a seat as the bartender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes, the man says this is ridiculous, that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts, which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes go by, and the man then says, "OK, I get it, no service of beer, but free nuts," to which the assistant says, "Hell no, the game starts in 10 minutes." Everyone laughs and claps.

What do you call numbers that don’t stay in place?

Roamin’ Numerals.

Why did Steven Hawking go to hell?

Because there is a stairway to heaven.

Michael Vick is coming to town, hide your dogs!

Uh oh, stinky!

Life's too short to want it.

Q. What did one Iron atom say to the other Iron atom?

A. "We're in the Matrix."

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

One day a computer said to another computer, "Why are you so dumb?"

The other computer replied, "Because I have low memory."

"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?

How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

The big hand is on the little hand!

What is a homeless person's favorite joke?... Themselves.

"_____ abortion clinic, you rape it, we scrape it.

_____ sperm bank, you spank it, we bank it."

Do you know what my favorite time of day is?

6:30, hands down.

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Friend, you so faaaat.

Me: Boy, at least I'm not built like a Nintendo Switch.