Job jokes

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

Women be like, "Equal rights, equal pay," then decide that they don't want to do labor intensive jobs.

What do you call a giraffe giving a blow job to another giraffe?

Getting neck!

I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.

I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.

Why didn't the 6th of Jan go well? Cause the shitty Trump supporters didn't carry out the damn job correctly and let the president down. Also, hang Mike Pence!

This isn't an orphan joke, but I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

Why do women need a pay rise? Isn't the glass ceiling high enough?

The man was Indian. He moved to England because he wanted to learn, so got a job at the store. He learned how to say "register," then he was a business man. He learned how to say "59887," then "restaurant," so he learned how to say "fork and knives." So a man came with a knife. The cop came and asked the man which was the killer who killed him. He said, "Him," and pointed to the Indian man. The cop asked, "What did you use?" He said, "Register." The cop asked for ID. "59887." The cop asked, "Anything on you, forks and knife?" He said, "Me me me."

Why was the barber mad because I gave him a buzzcut?

My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.

What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.

I was fuming when I lost my job as a window cleaner, like who built the Twin Towers anyway?

Everybody is wondering what position Kenny will give his brother in their new company.

Probably top.

Kenny likes to be the bottom in every sexual encounter.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

Little boy: Momma?

Mom: Yes, my dear.

Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.

Mom: Why!?

Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.