Job jokes
You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.
What did the math book say to the guidance counselor?
I did a good job of being home from school.
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
Toothbrush says, "I have the worst job ever."
Toilet paper says, "You think your job is shitty."
Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."
I did a good job and walk walk home and walk walk to the car and drive. What is the difference between a good [what]?
I went for a walk today, and I did a good job of telling what time it was.
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback!
Why was the depressed man happy in food-tech?
He got to cut himself.
What state do miners hate?
Oregon.
In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."
Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
Because he was koala-fied!
Guys to wind the clock up?
Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?
Because they always come out clean.
So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?
One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!
What is a bus driver that does not work? A useless one!
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.