Jealousy jokes
I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.
Why were the students jealous of the orphan?
He never had any homework!
(I'm going to hell for this)
Why does Sally hate herself? Because Sophie stole her boy.
I hate when my brother dates other people.
Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
Why are heterosexual women jealous of gay men?
because gay men can perform fellatio on men better than they can.
When does an emo get jealous at a phone?
When it dies.
I ask the emo girl if she gets jealous when her phone dies.
Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?
Because he successfully finished a race!
What's the best part about plowing your cousin?
- It makes your sister jealous.
I hate when my class want to play hangman. Not because they hang a man, but because I get jealous.
Why do orphans hate smart kids?
Because the smart kids get their parents' attention.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
I asked an emo, "Do they get jealous when their phone dies?"
I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.
Why was the emo jealous of the orange?
It came precut.
I get jealous when my phone dies.
Why is Delta jealous?
Because Omicron took the final kill.
The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.