Jealousy jokes
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that always comes out of your mouth?
The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"
He says, "No."
She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."
I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!
Why don’t autistic people like Autism Speaks?
They’re jealous that autism can speak.
(This is not meant to be triggering, sorry if it is).
Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?
Why is Donald Trump so jealous of Usain Bolt?
Because he successfully finished a race!
My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.
Get the whip, you're out!
I bet emos get jealous when their phone dies.
Why are Elmo’s jealous of lights?
Lights are hanging.
Why are emos jealous of light?
The lights are hanging.
I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"
I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.
The man was dangling by a string!
I was jealous the day he died.
I said to the emo girl, "She gets jealous every time her phone dies."
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
I get jealous when my phone dies.
Do you get jealous of your clothes when they hang from the line?
Emos get jealous when their phone dies.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."