it's jokes

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation?

A period.

Why?

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is just a scoreboard.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.

Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.

A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"

The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.

The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"

"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it was pointless!

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

Your hairline is so back it looks like Will Smith slapped it.

Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? Because it has faster reflexes than the Twin Towers.

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.