it's jokes
Stephen Hawking couldn't make it to Heaven because there were stairs, so he rolled down to Hell.
Do you want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tear-able.
This is my fidget spinner, I got it in my Easter basket.
Have you ever tried sex when camping?
It's f***ing intense.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
It’s because they can’t find home plate.
Once I heard a joke about chocolate the other day.
It wasn't that funny.
So I just Snickered.
Why is drinking soda so sad?
It's soda-pressing.
Why didn’t Stephen Hawking go to heaven? Because it’s a staircase, not a ramp.
Our family is known for unusually sloppy diarrhea.
It runs in our jeans.
Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore?
He didn't have the heart to put into it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It just felt like it.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.
Q: What is the difference between a pizza and a baby?
A: The pizza does not scream when you put it in the oven.
Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was running away from Kernel Sanders.
Hehehe
My Countryhumans OC, Sahara, is the daughter of France and Soviet. When people ask why, I tell them it was the gendersnapped version of my parents making me. France (my dad) was drunk and Soviet (my mom) was being horny. Then they judge me, so I judge them with a knife to the chest 47 times.
Once there was a midget man jumping on a pothole saying 43, 43, 43. A kid walks up to the man and says, "Why are you saying 43, 43, 43?"
The man stops and looks at him, then he starts jumping again and says 43, 43, 43.
The kid asked him again and so on.
Then the man stops, opens the pothole, throws the kid in, closes it, and starts jumping and says 44, 44, 44!!!"
I was in Portugal enjoying my lunch when I saw a man choking! I wanted to save him, but a local stopped me. “That’s Penandes, he always chokes when it matters most and ghosts in big games.” True enough, Penandes’ Ghost emerged from his body! Poor Penandes, may he get well soon!
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.
This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!
Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"