it's jokes

What's Stephen Hawking's other favorite song?

Steve Winwood's "Just Roll with It Baby."

My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.

My jacket tore a little bit. It's a ripper.

Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?

It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.

Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

How did the Skeleton know it was gonna rain?

He read the weather forecast.

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

How's it going @#$!

What do you call a hill with cows on it?

A Moo-ntain.

The bakery I worked at got robbed. They demanded the dough; apparently, it couldn't be baked first.

It's punny.

Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?

Bryce: What?

Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!

P.S. I'm a girl.

It squirted in my eye, God dammit!

Once we went to a light bulb party last night, YO it was freakin lit.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

I was submitting this joke, and I realized Stephen Hawking couldn't.

It had the reCAPTCHA "I'm not a robot."

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

I ate a watch once... it was time-consuming.

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Yo mama so fat it took Nationwide three years to get on her good side.