it's jokes

When the school shooter drops his gun, and the autistic kid picks it up thinking it’s his long lost nerf gun.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

Can I tell you a cat joke?

Yes, 'cause it's purr-fect.

What's the difference between a bear with a gun and an American man with a gun?

The bear has common sense not to fire it.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

Little Johnny was playing with dick when his teacher walked in the room. She asked him what he was doing, he said Im doing my homework. The teacher saw how big his cock was and asked him to have sex with her. He willingly did so. Little johnny was already 25 so it didn't matter. The only thing was that he was homeschooled.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a touchy subject.

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

When Stephen Hawking died, I assume his computer crash caused it.

It's not rape if you both like it.

I would make a Paul Walker joke, but it would crash and burn.

Why can’t an orphan play baseball? Because it can’t find home.

It's a shame Iran doesn't know how to restrain Israel. If only they had Hitler's expertise.

Now he really would be THE FINAL SOLUTION!

it's not rape if we're both screaming

I'm listening to a song about fish--it's very catchy.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

My humour is so dark that its life matters.

Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!

What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it’s more of a wrap.