it's jokes

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

For one of the most highly regarded minds on the planet, it is a shame he could not create a longer-lasting battery.

When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!

A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...

I had a dream of swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it is just a FANTAsea.

Why is the bald eagle bald?

Because it has no hair.

It has feathers. LOL.

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

How are corpses like pools?

Once you get in, it's only cold for like a minute.

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!

Chuck Norris threw a grenade once. It killed 300 people.

And then it exploded.

Sex is like pizza.

When it’s hot, it’s great.

When it’s cold, it’s still pretty good.

NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

'Cause it's a place to eat.

Why did the cellphone get glasses? Because it lost its contacts!

"A llahu Aks into a bar..."

And it blows up!

Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?

Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.