it's jokes

It's important to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

Why is there no woman on the moon?

Because it doesn't need to be cleaned.

Am I the only one who's on here because it's not blocked on the school laptop and I can't use my phone in class?

Cows go moo.

How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?

Because Paul Walker crashed into it.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw it.

Just a joke: When Stephen Hawking fell over and hurt his leg, his dad said, "It'll get better, just walk it off!"

I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

Why does the heart listen to music a lot?

Because it loves feeling the beat.

Why did Michael Jackson decide to sell the ranch?

Because it was over 10 years old.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Me: U know the show called Imagine Dragons?

Friends: No, what is it?

Me: Imagine dragon this nuts across yo mouth.

If you throw a nun, is it called a... Nunchuck???

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

So THEN I bought a LED whistle but it steel wooden LED me whistle.

Why can't an orphan make a YouTube channel?

'Cause they can't make it family friendly.

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

What did the cancer cell say to its neighbor?

"Mind if I join you?"

What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?

A blood bath.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!

Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!

Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!

What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!