it's jokes
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"
Q: How can you tell the sun is a boy?
A: It rises every morning.
Dark humor is like cancer; it's funnier when kids get it.
My brother caught Covid last month.
First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"
I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
What do you call a fruit that argues against the position it supports?
The Devil's advocado.
So Kenny finally found his one true love.
But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.
If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.
So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."
Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured it out.
How would you best describe prostate cancer?
Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
🧀: C’mon tomato!
🍅: I’m trying to ketchup.
🧀: You’re a mile away.
🍅: I am a tomato! It’s not that easy for me to ketchup.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just Juan.
"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon
How is abortion different from rape? Babies never consent to it.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.