it's jokes
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?
Because it says "B Positive!"
If you shoot at a school of fish, could you call it a school shooting?
What’s bad about swinging a dead baby above your head?
Stopping it with the shovel!
Why is a cabbage green? Because it's in Greenland.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it hit me!
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How many babies does it take to paint a barn red? Depends on how hard you throw them.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends how hard you can throw them.
What does a sponge do?
It talks to Patrick.
You want to hear some marriage jokes?
Don't worry, it's just a couple.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
There was a guy I knew who owned a foot-high piano player.
He had found a magic lamp and rubbed it. The genie popped out and gave him one wish.
The guy thinks the genie was a bit deaf, as all he got was a 12" pianist.
I like to eat mom's spaghetti. Now try it with the NEWWWW VEGETTIIII, turn any vegetable into pasta!
Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!).
As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.
Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.
He says to the first nun: "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man?"
Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: "Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven."
St. Peter says: "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.
"Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says.
Sister Bernadette asks: "What is it?" A little annoyed.
Sister Carmel says: "Do you mind if we swap places"?
Sister Bernadette replies: "What for"?
Sister Carmel says: "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there!"
I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?
A man asks to play kick the bucket (not death).
The other man agrees. They go to the top of Mt. Everest. The man who asked ties the bucket to the other one's foot. Then he kicks it off the cliff, which brings the man with it. LOL
THE END