it's jokes

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

I'm starting to wish my grass was emo.

Why?

So it would cut itself.

Have you heard the gossip about the butter? Oh, I guess I better not spread it.

There's a movie about constipation. It hasn't come out yet.

My friend made a joke about dogs. I said it was a RUFF joke.

My friend made a joke about a dog. I said it was a "RUFF" joke.

The ocean didn't start smelling like fish until women started swimming in it.

A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail. "Doctor, doctor!" He cries out. "What is it?" The doctor asks. "I can't feel my legs!" The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded. ". . . That's because I amputated your arms."

What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.

It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

Have you seen the movie "Constipation"?

It hasn't come out yet.

Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.

One hot day a cow wanted some shade.

He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."

I can tell you an airplane joke, but it will probably fly over your head.

Why did the penguin pull out a tooth? It was Mexican.

Once, I ate a skunk. It was hard because I didn't get it down the whole way.