New Intoxication Jokes - Page 3

What time is it when you get home and you can't walk home?

What time is it when you get home and you can walk, walk? Eeeeeew!

What time is it when you get home and you can't walk?

When you say, "I'm high!"

But then you fall off.

There was a man. He came home with his friends from the bar and man was he ever wasted! Their friends made sure to get him home safely. The next morning, he woke up and found blood all over his nightstand. He called his friends and asked for his alarm clock back.

Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"

Jack and Jill went up the hill. They turned to drunks and have no will. Jill said to Jack, "Your love reveal, then think of building me a still."

And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol, but if I were you, I wouldn’t kiss your mom on the mouth at all.

Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?

Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.

Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.

A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.

He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"

We are drunk at the party. There was an ass-ton of drunk girls there with me.

Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.

Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.

Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.

He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.

He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.

Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"

The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."

Candy is dandy.

But liquor is quicker.

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A: The drunk guy runs it, and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.

The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"

He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."

They eat them, jump off, and die.

He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"