Intoxication jokes

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

A drunk guy asked his penis: 《Tell me, how can you get shorter and longer and I can't?》

《Why don't you speak to me?》

《Stop getting shorter and longer or I will choke you.》

《Oh yeah, I like it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)》

Hhhhhhhhh ♪(┌・。・)┌

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"

What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you?

Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.

What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?

"Alcohol, you later!"

What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?

Overcharge himself.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

What do you call a drunken Muslim?

Mohammered.