Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"
Jack and Jill went up the hill. They turned to drunks and have no will. Jill said to Jack, "Your love reveal, then think of building me a still."
Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?
Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.
Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.
A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.
He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"
Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.
Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
a man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up. The executionares asked "how'd you do that?" he said, " I had magic chips, here, take some"they eat them, jump off and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says "you're a real a**hole when you're drunk superman."
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"
What's worse than waking up with a dead baby next to you? Realizing you were so drunk that you made love to it the night before...
What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk Over charge himself
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."
"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
What do you call a drunken Muslim?
Mohammered.
