INS jokes
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
How do pedophiles follow the law?
They drive it slow in the school zone.
"Batteries, batteries, who the batteries in your remotes and everything else you got in your house is turned upside down?"
Why does Joe Biden like cold weather? Because he’s used to being in the teens.
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”
St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
He was telling the truth in a different way...
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
I smell up dog in here.
"What's up, dog?"
Nothing much, how about you?
What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted?
Still being in the orphanage at 13.
I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.
A guard at a baseball stadium let in the pheasant, the chicken, and the duck. But he didn't let in the turkey. Why? Because four strikes and you are out!
I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.
It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.
Get your mind together!
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
Inela, your hairline goes so far back I remember seeing it in the stone age! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
What is war used for? (put in comments below)
What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?
They both have cutting marks.
What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?
Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.
"There are 20 letters in the alphabet, correct?"
"No, it's 26."
"Oh, I forgot, you are a cutie."
"You're missing one more."
"I'll give you the D later."
"....come to my office at 1pm ASAP."
What are fish not allowed to have?
Seaweed.