INS jokes
2020 was the first time Kobe had passed in years.
I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.
Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
A: To find Pooh!
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.
Yo mama is so fat, she takes her selfies in panoramic mode.
How do you escape a French prison?
Yell angrily in German!
What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in?"
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.
Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.
A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"
The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.
The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"
"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
What does Sonic say when he doesn't want to get caught fucking in public?
Gotta Go Fast!
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
Who says Rihanna isn't charitable?
I mean, she found Johnny Depp for her fashion show by scouting for people living in tents down in Skid Row.
Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".
(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.
What do a fisherman and a prostitute have in common?
They're both hookers.