INS jokes

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? "HDMI."

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.

Why did the pencil want to kill himself?

He had no point in life.

Gwen, can we chat in this link?

My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?

Divorced.

What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?

Anything you want—he can’t hear you.

Why do toy bears have small eyes? Because they were made in China.

What goes in dry and comes out wet?

A dick.

Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

Teacher: What was that?

Alex: Flew the plane.

Got kidnapped in Iran. Luckily, I ran.

Your hairline goes so far back you can see a full world scale map in your forehead reflection.

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.

What do you call ten lesbians in a room together? Fingerhut.

What do you call two lesbians in a closet together? A liquor cabinet.

What do you call a room full of 50 lesbians and fifty congressmen? 100 people who don't do dick.

Why don't women wear miniskirts in the winter? 'Cause they would get chapped lips.

What do a cliff jumper and a gay man have in common? If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shit.

You were probably voted "Most Likely to Become an Ice agent" in school.

Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.

One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)

A Chinese drug dealer said to me, "Do you like my cocaine?"

I replied, "Not since he starred in Zulu."

Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."

I wrote puns on a piece of paper like this:

P. P. P. P. U. U. U. U. N. N. N. N. S. S. S. S.

Then I showed them to my teacher, asking him what they had in common.

“They are all very tearable,” he replied.

Well, there is one person who gets it!

I lost all faith in humanity. I am moving to Uranus; it's really big. I might get lost.