INS jokes
I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.
I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.
A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."
What kind of paper towel do they use in special education classrooms?
Downey.
Time flies by, doesn’t it?
But the plane in 9/11 didn’t.
Friend: Why did you touch me?
Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.
I got suspended for telling the emo kid to hang in there.
What do orphans and apples not have in common? Apples get picked.
What does an Xbox/PlayStation and Michael Jackson have in common?
Kids turn them on.
22 ants were playing football in a saucer.
One ant said to another one, “We'll have to play better tomorrow. We're playing in the cup!”
What do Spider-Man and orphans have in common?
There’s no way home.
You want to know what annoying people and dogs have in common.
The female ones are called "bitch."
Where did the cake sleep on the stove?
In a pan.
Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?
Timmy is dead.
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
Being gay must be a pain in the ass.
Your hairline so bad that when your teacher puts you to sit in the front of the class, your hairline be all the way in the back.
Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.
I learned how to say "virgin" in German: "Good and tight."
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
At 9/11, the people in the Twin Towers ordered pizza. They asked for pepperoni, but instead got plane.