INS jokes

What does a roller coaster and Michael Jackson have in common?

Kids ride for free.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.

What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?

$2 billion and high cholesterol.

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

In some places in the world, you can't get an abortion even after rape. That's so fucked up.

You serve your time, you get out, and you STILL have to pay child support. What a nightmare.

What do you call a roach in milk?

A roach con leche. 😂

I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.

I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.

We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

Why won't Trump be subject to impeachment?

Answer: Because Republicans in Congress insist that every baby be brought to full term!

what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.

1 like = 1 more child in my fryer.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?