INS jokes
When you tell your Roblox girlfriend you’re breaking up with her, and then 10 seconds later you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.
Why is there only 363 days in an orphan calendar? Because they don't have Mother's Day or Father's Day.
What's in common with Michael Jackson and a phone?
Kids play with both of them.
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”
I just got kicked out of the fucking library for putting the women's rights in the fiction section.
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?
A: The ins and outs of child rearing.
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; 1 to screw it in, and the other to suck my dick.
I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."
"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!
A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.