INS jokes
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. There's usually 90 degrees.
There are 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens. How many didn't?
A - 10
On 9/11, the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas. One came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
A tire.
(A tire as in clothes and the tire? U get it? No? I'm lonely. Add me on Xbox: DECIMUS PAX)
I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
I went to China and said, "I have a big cock," so they thought I said they look like a cock. Then I realized I said it in English.
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!
When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?
HO HO HO
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: Okay, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
102, if you have some alive ones.
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)