INS jokes

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

I once auditioned to be in Sausage Party. I thought I filled the role well.

A pun enters the room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?

"Haloomi."

What's the difference between a bird and jam?

You can ham your cock in a bird, but you can't bird your cock in a jam.

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

"I was lost in the woods yesterday."

"I was in some sticky situation..."

Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."

Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.

Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

Does your shoe have a hole in it?

No.

Then how did you put your foot in it?

Whenever you think back to 9/11 and realize there are 12 hours in front of us, why the f*ck didn't they warn us?

I told my friend to watch Naruto. It's been a week since I've seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece.

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

Roses are red, my name is Dan...

TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

What is red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?

A frog in a blender.

I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.

She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

"My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."

And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"

The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."