INS jokes
You can play Jenga in two places now: New York and Miami (Chaplin Towers.) They probably have Jenga tournaments there every year.
Did you hear of the guy who was sad about being in a wheelchair? He had that crippling depression.
dont make jokes about the accident my dad died in it he was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia :(
What does Michael Jackson and an Xbox have in common?
Kids turn them on.
Your hairline is so bad that it turned Wonder Woman into Failure Man.
A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.
“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
Pin drop silence in the class!
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”
I saw some kids bullying a kid in a wheelchair. I grabbed the kid, pushed him down the stairs, and said, "GTA physics."
What happens to Stephen Hawking when he logs in to his account on Google when it says, "I am not a robot?"
Why did the judge dismiss court when the orphan walked in?
Even a gay prison wouldn't want him.
Why did the bounty hunter not cash in an orphan?
He was not worth keeping.
It's the 1940s.
The chink was counting his shillings. The chink was bitching. His wife got raped in Nanking. The chink counts his shillings.
The chink gets sook chinged!
You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...
Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.
What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?
Kid's.
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
What does an orphan and a dog have in common?
Both got taken from their parents.
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
In the movie "Cars 2", there is a priest, which means car Jesus died for the sins of the cars.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
An emo kid in a leaf falls from a tree. Who falls first? Delete the rope, stop the emo.