INS jokes
Friend: What are you doing?
Me: Putting peanut butter on my balls.
Friend hears in the distance, "Orphans, I have food for you!"
God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.
What do parents and dark humor have in common? Some get it, and some don't.
Why can't Jesus walk on water anymore?
Because he has holes in his feet.
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in some laundry.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"
Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa? Cause they make the toys.
Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!
I hope you get raped by a chimp in the forest
What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?
There used to be two, but now it's a touchy subject.
What does a Rubik's cube and a man's penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
A man went hunting with his son and shot an animal.
The father asks the son to identify the animal he just shot, and the son answers: "Holy Cow!"
Father: "What do you mean, 'Holy Cow?'"
Son: "You shot a hole in the cow, of course!"
There was an emo kid in their room, boom, they're all gone, now.
So an emo shot themselves, and so the detective decides to ask why, but it just goes in one ear and out the other.
I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."
Three gay men enter a bar in Iran. They don't come out.
What do apples and emos have in common?
They both hang from trees.
Why did Jeffrey eat all the ice cream in one sitting?
To make room in the freezer for his special meat.
"Vladymoron Pootin and Drunkard Chump sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."