Im jokes
Orphan: Help, I'm lost.
Someone: Wears your parents.
Orphan: >:(
My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.
My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I'm so skinny, I could use floss as a noose.
What do you call a Titan who can't swim?
Titanic!
Imagine the Titanic with a lisp. It would be unthinkable. My version is imagine the Titanic with a lisp, it would be unsinkable.
What did the front half of the Titanic say to the other half when it hit the iceberg? I'm breaking up with you.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.
The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.
My sister said I'm stupid today, and she's the one who wrote this.
My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."
I ran into a dwarf, and he said, “Well, I’m not happy.”
Me: Then which one are you?
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
What's the difference between a chicken and a dog?
I don't know... I'm from China.
I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.
Why did an orphan say, "I'm wanted?" Because they wanted to feel a lie in their life.
What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?
Next time I’m bringing all my friends.
I'm dead inside.
One day Nathan came in ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Nathan, what do you have to say for yourself?" Nathan says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Dave came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Dave, what do you have to say for yourself?" Dave says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then Mike came in a further ten minutes late to Mr. Jones's class. Mr. Jones asked him, "Mike, what do you have to say for yourself?" Mike says, "Please sir, I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then five minutes later a new girl walked in to Mr. Jones's lesson. Mr. Jones is at the end of his tether now and says, "Who are you and why are you late?" The new girl says, "Sir, I'm called Cherry Hill."
Freddy: I'm coming for you >:)
Me: God, no, help!
*game notification pops up with very loud sound*
I'm not saying you're annoying.
But if a yeast infection were a person, it would be you.
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"