If jokes

Me: "You wanna see my dad?"

Some kid: "Yeah?"

Me: "Close your eyes and he will appear."

Some kid: "He ain't appearing."

Me: "Sorry I thought he would appear for you. He won't appear for me."

*The kid laughs*

Moral: Not everything is supposed to be funny text if you notice what was really going on. 🙃

I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.

Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).

If you punch an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?

If Stephen Hawking had a FIFA card, he would have 99 dribbling.

If you're gay, then what the f*** are you doing trying to walk straight?

If I could be any creature, I would be a Unicorn because they are Beautiful, Majestic, Sparkly, Bright, Gods. They create Joy and Happiness everywhere they go.

Unicorns made my life better when I got to know them more. ^-^ They filled my life with more Happiness. I believe in the Unicorns, and they'll believe in me. I am not a Unicorn, although I am the Princess of the Unicorn Land, but if I could be any creature, I would be a Unicorn! :P

It would be a miracle if someone figured out the length of your hairline.

Like and comment if you will be my friend!

Math riddle: If I have 12 bottles of wine in one hand, and 9 in the other, what do I have?

Adopting a kid is like having a yard sale! I mean, if the owners don't want it anymore, what makes you think I want it?

If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

If a computer was an apartment, the only passage would be the windows.

It would have had doors, but why was it ever spelt DOS?

To RANDYYYY,

Hi Randy, this is ALYA. I don't want to fight with you. If you're an orphan and you do know about your past, you probably get sad, right? Well, these jokes just bring up the bad times for me.

-ALYA with love

Does it make me gay if I kiss your dad and he decides to drill my ass?

This page is for fat jokes, right? Well, I am breaking the mold! Yo Mama so fat! That's not a Joke it's True.

P.S. If your mom is actually fat, then I am sorry that I don't care.