If jokes

If you text your crush and they leave you on read, just know that "read" has four letters. You know what also has four letters? "Mine." So that basically means that you are theirs. :)

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

If your controller ever dies, remember those people that died on the submersible.

If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.

Roses are red, I like weed,

If you say yes then I'll do a "good deed."

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

If hi = hi?

Who are you to believe if you don't believe in unicorns?

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

What would the Mandalorian be called if it was made in an aquatic center?

Mandachlorian.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

If you want to punch someone, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

If I was a cow and could dance, I'd bust some moooooves while I uddered some lyrics!

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.