If jokes

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

If two vegetarians get into a fight, is it still called a beef?

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Motivational quote for today: if you think you're dumb, you're probably overestimating your intellectual abilities...

If James Bond is the most famous spy, wouldn't that also make him the worst spy?

"WASSUP GIRLS IF I FIND YOU I'LL GLADLY FUCK YOU;]"

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Throw a few paper airplanes at the twins in your class, see if they fall.

If there is a guy in a wheelchair and he is a bully, say, "I’m still standing."

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

If you're born deaf, what language would you think in?

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.

I replied, "No. Is that still required?"

What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?

"Want to see if it fits?"

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

My teacher asked the class to stand up if you're dumb. No one did, so she said, "Come on, someone must be dumb," and pointed over to the left side of the classroom. Lil Jonny stands up. "Do you think you're dumb, Lil Jonny?" asked the teacher. "No, I just feel bad for you. You're the only one who stood up," replied Lil Jonny!

What is a yellow dog Libertarian?

A yellow dog Libertarian is a Libertarian who is blindly loyal to the Libertarian Party, he or she who is a yellow dog Libertarian is a card carrying member of the Libertarian Party who would not vote for a progressive Democrat or a conservative Republican even if their life depended on it! 🐕 🗽