If jokes

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?

"Want to see if it fits?"

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

My girlfriend's sister told me to write her a poem. This is what I came up with:

roses are red, violets are blue, if you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

That shirt's very becoming on you.

If I were on you, I’d be coming too.

I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.

I asked the orphan kid if his mom is hot. He just started crying.

My mom said if I'm awake playing Roblox still, she said she was going to bang my head against the keyboard. hxhdhduhxbsfj.

If you got a priest, a Rhodes scholar, and a politician in a room, what would you get?

The Royal Commission.

Alternatively, Tony Abbott.

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

A donut and depression are the same. Both have nothing in the middle, and the other is nothing is left if you leave it for too long.

What happens if you inhale too much nitrous oxide (laughing gas)?

You die of laughter.

If a lion ate a child, is the lion a child predator?

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is dangerous for kids if put on their face, the other one is used to carry groceries.

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

If a kid doesn't take their nap, doesn't that mean they are resisting arrest?