If jokes

If you're reading this, then your life means nothing...

Have a nice day! 🙂😊

How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?

It has an extra crumb-osome.

What if little Johnny was doing drugs?

"Johnny, Johnny?"

"Yes, Papa?"

"Eating sugar?"

"No, Papa..."

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!

If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

Motivational quote for today: if you think you're dumb, you're probably overestimating your intellectual abilities...

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is it murder-suicide?

What is the speed limit for sex? 68, because if you go any faster, you’ll have to turn around.

I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.

If you got a priest, a Rhodes scholar, and a politician in a room, what would you get?

The Royal Commission.

Alternatively, Tony Abbott.

I asked the orphan kid if his mom is hot. He just started crying.

If I like having sex and get with 15 people, are they getting sexified?

"If you want to win swiftly, camp the enemies' spawn."

- Sun Tzu