If jokes

If a homeschooled kid shoots his parents, does that count as a school shooting?

Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.

If you are ever mad, punch an orphan.

What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

If a girl says no twice 🤔.

Mathematically that’s a yes, so you’re good to go!

If you think the guy calling you fat is offensive,

Try salad 🥗.

If Finding Nemo was scientifically correct, Marlin would have changed into a female and mated with Nemo.

If at first you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.

I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.

Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”

My friend was the only one who laughed.

Yo, if Russia comes to the USA, just know their reboot cards don't expire.

If a gay person is vegan, how does he have sex? He will keep getting meat stuck in his ass and in his throat.

How do you tell if a blond is really stupid?

Put a scratch and sniff on a bleach pod.

What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

What would happen if a dam broke when you are on it?

You would be dam unlucky.

If you're ever bored, rape an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?

To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him.

“Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.”

“Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”

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Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

If Joe Biden and Kamala Harris jump off a cliff, who survives?

Americans...