If jokes

One day, I saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" I said, "His parents."

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Like if you think I'm stupid.

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

Remember, if you are suffering from paranoia...

You are not alone.

If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?

If I went to Walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they're barcodes too.

I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"

Leave a like down below if you think Stephen Hawking should stand for the National Anthem.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.

like this if you don't like school.

I asked my girlfriend if we could try my rape fantasy last night. She said no. It was the best night of my life.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.

When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.