If jokes

How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?

If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.

What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS?

If you stop giving money to a church, you won't go to prison.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.

Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.

Little Johnny: What are you doing?

Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.

Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

If you kill an emo, Is it an assist kill?

A cocksucker is still a cocksucker if a cocksucker only sucks for moral, religious, or health reasons, and a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons can still be a cocksucker, so how can a cocksucker be a vegetarian for moral, religious, or health reasons?

If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.

Expresso, expresso, no more depresso!

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.

What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?

Women are like the Twin Towers. After you smash them, and if some little people start jumping out, the government is gonna tax the shit outta you.

like if you know someone that is emo.

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.

I saw two men wearing the same clothing and walking together, so I asked both of them if they were gay. They did not hesitate arresting me after I said that.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Why can't an orphan be gay?

Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)