“I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.” “Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!” “No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,
"Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
my husband is mad that i have no sense of direction. so i packed up my stuff and right.
My wife (or husband) told me to get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I had just realized when I got home that I had picked 7-up
My wife is pregnant but when we get to doctors something happened..........
What happened?
A:the husband is pregnant too with someone else’s baby not the wife’s baby but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
A married woman asked her husband if he saw future then the husband answered her " I have no Eye dear"
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes
He hugged me!
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain. The email reads: „Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here“.
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride she says BOO! What kind of a dick fuck does that!
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
A woman walks in to a dentists office sits on the counter and spreads her legs. The dentist says i think you have the wrong idea with that the woman replies last week you gave my husband his false teeth now you can get them out.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse but I beat her to it
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
The other day my wife said "take me someplace I have never been before, I said why don't you try the kitchen! "
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff
My wife left a note on the fridge, the note read "It's not working" I don't know what she's talking about, I opened the fridge and it worked fine!
