Husband Jokes

What do you do when your dish washer stops working

Hit your wife harder

My wife called me a pedo that's a big word for a 6 year old

Woman- What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich

Husband- I know! How about you COMEBACK with a godda*n sandwich?

A lady walks in to a dentists office, sits on the counter and spreads her legs. The dentist says i think you have the wrong idea with that the lady replies; last week you gave my husband his false teeth now you can get them out

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night she’s back in bed

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked

my wife said i had no sense of direction.... so i packed my sh*t and right

i went to see my dentist and she warned me it was going to hurt. then she told me she was having an affair with my husband. good news though...the cleaning didnt hurt.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Wife: (on phone) hi Husband: hey I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

My best friend ran away with my wife I really miss him

A mother and son were in the backyard and the son finished building a shed. The mother says "You're the best husband ever"

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Girl playing outside: step on a line and you break your mommy's spine She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming

Girl playing outside :step on a crack and you break daddy's back She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming

The husband starts celebrating gets in the car and starts to drive away

The son comes outside and steps on a crack

The dad then dies in a car crash

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him ... everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing ... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market ... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?