Humor
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
Q: What did the Iceberg say to the Titanic?
A: I'd hit that.
I am a fruitcake. Why? Because I’m fruity and nutty. That’s the joke. Tada!
I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.
The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.
A young peasant coming from the field with his scythe on his shoulder notices an attractive young woman that was doing the laundry in a mountain stream, perched on some rocks near a waterfall.
The guy stops and leans against his scythe, fascinated by the young girl's beauty.
After minutes of watching her, she loses her balance, slips on a rock and falls all the way down, crushing her head on the white rocks.
Thoughtful, he puts his scythe back on his shoulder and walks away, saying to himself "Damn, another washing machine destroyed by limestone!"
Why did the bird lay an egg on Stephen Hawkings?
Because he is Stephen HAWKings.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
What do you call a Down syndrome kid who has been physically abused by older teenagers and her parents for a total of 16 years and has red marks all over their body?
Not funny because Down syndrome jokes aren't funny ;)
I can’t help you find orphan jokes. Maybe ask their family.
My cock was in the book of world records...
The librarian told me to take it out.
I'm dead! 😂💀💀
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.
The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
What do you call a group of cops having a sleep over?
Pigs in a blanket.
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. Depression who? Depression you!
Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?
Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?
My friend looks like a homeless, thanks for the jokes.
Just think, when we're getting fucked, we make our own food.