Humor

I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!

When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.

He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"

I like wine how I like my woman.

4 year old locked in a basement.

Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.

What do you call Stephen Hawking when he eats too much?

As fat as Ben Dingley.

A farmer has 3 fat ugly cows. One is named Xia. The next is named Chiang. What's the third?

Yu.

What time is it when you smell garbage? Time to run!

A blind kid accidentally touches the emo kid's wrist and says, "I'm not reading all of that!"

Dogs say woof.

Cows say moo.

Idiots say, "The site will be less dead when school starts again!"

Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.

Random person: What stuff? 🤨

Me: What?

The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!

Me: Colourful flamingo fart.

The other day all those toilet papers came by my house and asked do I have any crack candy. Naw, I don't have no damn crack candy or no crack apples. All I have here in the backyard is a peanut butter crack sandwich. Help yourself, and while you're at it, clean up all the damn doggie dodo that's everywhere. Thank you, Mr. Toilet Papers.

Max Heart and his gay cousin Nickals Amoto say I back out of a fight. When he said let's fight, then last minute he said he doesn't want to, then says I chickened out. I [was] ready to fight, but his gut [was] swollen [and] his arms [were]. He actually looks like Humpty Dumpty, but [I] just wanted to say he backed out + Max and Nickals are both gay with each other.

Stop making jokes about Kobe.

I wanted some breakfast, so I grabbed some Life cereal.

I poured it, but lemons came out. So I said, "Well, when life gives you lemons!"

What do you call a girl with no legs? Sarah.

What do you call an Olympic gold medalist skiing? Not Sarah.

Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday.

I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.

A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.

I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...

Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?

Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.

Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!

Me: You can't kick me out.

Manager: Why not? Huh?

Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.

Why did Sarah fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sarah.

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Stop! Stop the orphan jokers!