Humor
Hey man, I was gonna tell a joke about 9/11, but it was just plane.
What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!
What do you call depressed Sesame Street?
Emo's World.
Q. What do Kenny's dick and this joke have in common?
A. They're both really short.
The boyfriend says to the explosive dude: "You're the bomb!" The explosive dude says: "Wow, that was Whitty."
Do you like pudding? Pudding deez nuts in your mouth!
What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?
A unicycle can only take one person at a time.
What is a chicken's favorite day of the week? Fri-day.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, it's bleach.
Why can’t the turd fart? Because it already shitted!
Why did Aaron's dad beat him? Because he tensed his ass.
Cancer HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What is black, white, and red all over? My third wife.
What's a chicken's deadliest day?
Friday.
A French, a German, and an Italian make a race to see who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, and after a quarter of an hour, comes out.
Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally, the Italian enters and comes out after five hours.
The French: "But how did you do it?"
The Italian: "I killed one."
The German: "So what?"
The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.
What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"
What do you call a person in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.