Humor
Women: Can I have your number?
Jesus: No.
Women: Why? Are you scared?
Jesus: No. Just when you wanna talk, just pray.
My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"
Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.
When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.
Dark jokes are like Antarctica.
They're cold.
Jesus lives on a long timeline, so he may seem slow to you.
Anyone got any good Floyd jokes? I really need them to take my breath away.
What do you call it when you drop a bottle of food dye?
"It's dye-ing."
What is mail? Boring.
What do you call a kid with 15 nukes and a shotgun?
The final countdown.
You are so skinny that the only difference between you and a leaf is color.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens are mindless creatures and do not know any better.
There is this fish, and this fish thinks if that fly drops 6 inches, I’m gonna jump out the water and eat that fucking fish!
Then there is a bear, he thinks if that fly drops six inches, that fish jumps up - I’m gonna run out there and eat that fucking fish!
This huntsman also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps up, bear runs out, eats the fish. I’m gonna shoot that fucking bear.
Unbelievably there is a tiny little brave mouse, who also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps, bear runs, huntsman shoots,
He’s bound to drop that cheese sandwich in his back pocket!!!!
I’m gonna eat that fucking cheese sandwich!!
Meanwhile...
there’s This cat!!!’ He sees what’s going on - if they fly drops six inches -the fish =bear =huntsman =mouse eating the cheese sarnie....
Easy pickings...
Anyway bang 💥 the fly drops six inches. Fish jumps up. Bear grabs the fish. Huntsman shoots the fucking bear,
DROPS HIS CHEESE SARNIE!!
Cat runs after mouse trying to get the cheese sarnie
The cat slips over him (stacks it) cat falls in the river...
LONG STORY I KNOW BUT THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...
every time a fly drops six inches a pussy get wet)
WALLOP... try remembering all that in A pub pissed. Xx
What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?
Call 911.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?
They're both "sweet home Alabama."
I was gonna make a joke about Mexicans but honestly, it crosses the line.
What do women and screen doors have in common? The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Teacher: What’s the closest planet?
Kids yell: Sun.
Except for one.
Other kid: Uranus.
Teacher: Uranus?
Other kid: Yeah, it’s right there.
Who said white people can't jump?
Look at the footage from 9/11.