Humor

9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”

What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?

Are you ready kids?

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?

I’d really like to meter.

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister.

Daughter: But I don't have a sister.

Dad: Exactly.

What do you call a Mexican Baptism?

Bean Dip.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

Chuck Norris can make Minute Maid lemonade in 5 seconds.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."

These gags are killing me!

What do you get when you cross jokes and cum?

CUMedy.

What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."

I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?

Finger-food.

I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.