Humor

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister.

Daughter: But I don't have a sister.

Dad: Exactly.

These gags are killing me!

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

Chuck Norris can make Minute Maid lemonade in 5 seconds.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."

I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.

I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?

Because she loves raisin kids.

When I get naked in the shower, it gets turned on.

Why don’t mountains catch colds?

They wear snow caps.

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

You take care of chickens. Does that make you a chicken tender?

What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?

Are you ready kids?