Humor

Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?

I’d really like to meter.

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister.

Daughter: But I don't have a sister.

Dad: Exactly.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

What do you get when you cross jokes and cum?

CUMedy.

What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."

Chuck Norris can make Minute Maid lemonade in 5 seconds.

These gags are killing me!

I want to make a joke about Kobe, but it won't land well.

I wanted to tell an animal joke but it's irrelephant.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?

Finger-food.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

What do you call a Mexican Baptism?

Bean Dip.

What do you call a Russian tree?

Dimitree.

The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.