Humor

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Leo must be a parking ticket... not because of the “fine” thing, nah, it’s because she’s OVERSTAYED her WELCOME.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

What does an Asian say when his car tires burst on the highway?

"Some Ting Wheely Wong!"

Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

Q: What’s the difference between me and you?

A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.

What did the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

"Beat it. We're closed."

Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?

It can't hit home.

What is the difference between a woman and ice? The ice always comes back.

Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!

Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.

Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?

Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.

Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.

Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.

Brother 2: You monster.

Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?

Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.

Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.

Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!

Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.

Brother 1: Found them.

*imaginary mother and brother fade away*

Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.

Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.

There was a dude. He had a mondo dong.

His wife was like, "Yo, where are your balls?"

The dude says he left them in the fridge. His wife replies, "I knew those meatballs tasted weird!"

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A: A bed.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!

Q: How many letters are in the alphabet? A: 11. A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.

Son: Daddy, what's dark humor?

Dad: See that man over there with no arms or legs? Go tell him to stand up and clap.

Son: But Daddy, I'm blind.

Dad: Exactly.

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal: "Don't shoot, I'm unarmed!"

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

What caused the Great Depression? A lack of comedians.