Humor

What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?

Splattered.

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

- It makes your sister jealous.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish people thought they were leaving.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?

Both have eight legs.

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?