Humor

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.

Look in the mirror. There's a joke for you.

What’s ten feet long and bald?

The conga line in the cancer ward.

What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives?

Splattered.

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish people thought they were leaving.

What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?

Both have eight legs.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair.

What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

- It makes your sister jealous.